The Rocks in the Pond....
I make you uncomfortable just by being here, don't I? Just by breathing, it seems I've broken some unwritten law. Just by speaking when spoken to, I've done you injustice. You're dancing this dance of yours, and I never learned the steps. Little ol' confused me, on the floor, with the spotlights pointed like guns at my head. Tell me when I can look again, tell me when I can think. And please, please tell me when I'm allowed to feel. Right now I'm just a prop in your own little play. The show's on, and must go on, no matter who dies on the way. You'd broken my heart a long time ago, if it was made of glass. But this muscle, this piece of flesh, it's so battered and beaten I wish it just could be broken. It's black, it's blue, it feels like it's rotting. But I go on, pushing myself forward, determined to play this game of yours. I'm not giving in, although that's what you expect me to. You've always seen me as weak, haven't you? You've only seen my reactions, not what's causing them. You've seen me crying, but you've never known the pain required to make me cry. You've seen me down, many times, but I got up every time, didn't I? Sow how can you be so certain of your own victory, when it's all just started? I'm a quick learner, and I remember well. All is written in stone, never in sand, so you could wait forever for a wave that will erase this.
What you do, will be done to you, they told me. So I loved. I loved until my soul screamed. I loved until my heart ached. Now I know, I'll have to do it all by myself. Now I know, I can never trust what I'm told, never believe the words of those that see themselves as wiser than me. All I've got in this world, is myself. All I can trust, is the pain. The comfort of crying my eyes out. The certainty of death. It's true, what the old joke says: LIfe is a decease that nobody's survived yet. When I go to hell, wich I'm sure is where we all will meet again someday, I'll go there knowing I did my best. Knowing I embraced it all. Knowing I took pleasure in the pain, found joy in my insanity, laughed at my hopelessness. And that I kept my head high through this.
I may cry myself to sleep at nights. Don't mistake that for signs of breaking into pieces. I may smile as I puncture my veins and let my blood flow free. Don't mistake that for madness. I may laugh at parties, and talk to everyone, but don't mistake that for happiness. I may disappear into books, but don't believe I'm escaping. That's all on the surface, and I'm no shallow puddle. The winds affecting the top, don't reach the bottom, they never do. Only the stones occationally thrown, can do that. And those rocks, they will stay there forever. They might be covered with algae after a while, over-grown, hidden. But they're there.
I make you uncomfortable just by being here, don't I? Just by breathing, it seems I've broken some unwritten law. Just by speaking when spoken to, I've done you injustice. You're dancing this dance of yours, and I never learned the steps. Little ol' confused me, on the floor, with the spotlights pointed like guns at my head. Tell me when I can look again, tell me when I can think. And please, please tell me when I'm allowed to feel. Right now I'm just a prop in your own little play. The show's on, and must go on, no matter who dies on the way. You'd broken my heart a long time ago, if it was made of glass. But this muscle, this piece of flesh, it's so battered and beaten I wish it just could be broken. It's black, it's blue, it feels like it's rotting. But I go on, pushing myself forward, determined to play this game of yours. I'm not giving in, although that's what you expect me to. You've always seen me as weak, haven't you? You've only seen my reactions, not what's causing them. You've seen me crying, but you've never known the pain required to make me cry. You've seen me down, many times, but I got up every time, didn't I? Sow how can you be so certain of your own victory, when it's all just started? I'm a quick learner, and I remember well. All is written in stone, never in sand, so you could wait forever for a wave that will erase this.
What you do, will be done to you, they told me. So I loved. I loved until my soul screamed. I loved until my heart ached. Now I know, I'll have to do it all by myself. Now I know, I can never trust what I'm told, never believe the words of those that see themselves as wiser than me. All I've got in this world, is myself. All I can trust, is the pain. The comfort of crying my eyes out. The certainty of death. It's true, what the old joke says: LIfe is a decease that nobody's survived yet. When I go to hell, wich I'm sure is where we all will meet again someday, I'll go there knowing I did my best. Knowing I embraced it all. Knowing I took pleasure in the pain, found joy in my insanity, laughed at my hopelessness. And that I kept my head high through this.
I may cry myself to sleep at nights. Don't mistake that for signs of breaking into pieces. I may smile as I puncture my veins and let my blood flow free. Don't mistake that for madness. I may laugh at parties, and talk to everyone, but don't mistake that for happiness. I may disappear into books, but don't believe I'm escaping. That's all on the surface, and I'm no shallow puddle. The winds affecting the top, don't reach the bottom, they never do. Only the stones occationally thrown, can do that. And those rocks, they will stay there forever. They might be covered with algae after a while, over-grown, hidden. But they're there.
posted by Silver | 2:03 PM
1 Comments:
I so recognise myself in this. I think it was well written.
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