I feel Age holding me, a little tighter every year.
my blue eyes gets a little paler, my skin becomes a little less peach and a little more prune.
Not much, not yet, but the time will come I know.
There is silver in my hair, and my head are full of sensible, important thoughts about wich bills to pay....

But, deep inside, I'm still a kid.

I got a new blog, so I can keep my creative writing and my ranting apart ^^

Goodbye

Too long have I hoped, wished, wanted
it is now time
for me to move on, greener pastures are calling
I can not keep swallowing
what you feed me every day
keeping me close, but not too close
letting me in just enough
for me to see hope.

Monopoly


So, I once again find myself
falling
face first
into a new
unexpected
unwanted
part of life.

I never said
nor did I want to say
that this was
where
it'd end

even tho
I knew
I've always known
that sorrow must precede
and follow
every blissful moment

And when you return
to start
DO NOT collect,
the starting point is the same
but it feels changed

You bring your experiences
let them make
a different you
only the core remains
and adapts
or dies and rots
inside

I want to thank you
for bringing me
one step closer to
who
I
shall
become

And I want to curse you
for making it all to clear
that who I am
never will match
your expectations

So go, and please pretend
the moment is gone.

The Rocks in the Pond....

I make you uncomfortable just by being here, don't I? Just by breathing, it seems I've broken some unwritten law. Just by speaking when spoken to, I've done you injustice. You're dancing this dance of yours, and I never learned the steps. Little ol' confused me, on the floor, with the spotlights pointed like guns at my head. Tell me when I can look again, tell me when I can think. And please, please tell me when I'm allowed to feel. Right now I'm just a prop in your own little play. The show's on, and must go on, no matter who dies on the way. You'd broken my heart a long time ago, if it was made of glass. But this muscle, this piece of flesh, it's so battered and beaten I wish it just could be broken. It's black, it's blue, it feels like it's rotting. But I go on, pushing myself forward, determined to play this game of yours. I'm not giving in, although that's what you expect me to. You've always seen me as weak, haven't you? You've only seen my reactions, not what's causing them. You've seen me crying, but you've never known the pain required to make me cry. You've seen me down, many times, but I got up every time, didn't I? Sow how can you be so certain of your own victory, when it's all just started? I'm a quick learner, and I remember well. All is written in stone, never in sand, so you could wait forever for a wave that will erase this.

What you do, will be done to you, they told me. So I loved. I loved until my soul screamed. I loved until my heart ached. Now I know, I'll have to do it all by myself. Now I know, I can never trust what I'm told, never believe the words of those that see themselves as wiser than me. All I've got in this world, is myself. All I can trust, is the pain. The comfort of crying my eyes out. The certainty of death. It's true, what the old joke says: LIfe is a decease that nobody's survived yet. When I go to hell, wich I'm sure is where we all will meet again someday, I'll go there knowing I did my best. Knowing I embraced it all. Knowing I took pleasure in the pain, found joy in my insanity, laughed at my hopelessness. And that I kept my head high through this.


I may cry myself to sleep at nights. Don't mistake that for signs of breaking into pieces. I may smile as I puncture my veins and let my blood flow free. Don't mistake that for madness. I may laugh at parties, and talk to everyone, but don't mistake that for happiness. I may disappear into books, but don't believe I'm escaping. That's all on the surface, and I'm no shallow puddle. The winds affecting the top, don't reach the bottom, they never do. Only the stones occationally thrown, can do that. And those rocks, they will stay there forever. They might be covered with algae after a while, over-grown, hidden. But they're there.

The door slammed shut. It slammed so hard, I can hear the glasses dance in the kitchen, and the pictures moving on the wall. It slammed so hard, the sound is still echoing through my head, and the floors still movig in silent waves.

It seems like you were a little upset.. Oh well, these things happen. I grab an apple and take a big bite out of it. I chew. Look out the window. You're holding your head high, your nose in the clouds. Trying to look proud and dangerous. I can't help laughing. This is so rediculous. You look up at the sky as if you want to kill it.

It's raining. Only lightand soft, the kind of weather I like. It hits the window, and softly caresses the glass. I open the window, and the soft rain kisses my forhead, my nose, my lips. I love the blue-green colour the pinetrees get when it's raining. I love the clean air and the dark, floating colours.

I close the window again, and take a sip of my teacup. The hot, tasty liquid is slowly poured into my mouth, satisfies my need for something sweet, and slowly slides down my throat. I got milk in my tea. Milk and loads of sugar. (I should probably have dropped that.. I'm a bit heavier than average, I'm afraid..) I slowly enjoy my tea.It's wonderful, warm and sweet. I*m thinking about our argument. It wasn't really big, but it's still a little irritating. The fact that you always have to be right, even when there's proof you're wrong. Hmm, oh well. You'll probably forget it all in a day, as usual. I walk slowly towards the sink, and find a small corner where I can squeeze in my empty cup..

Some old things I've written in my happier days..

"Happy"

I'm not good
at emotions
often wanting
to stay cold
and hard.

I like to hide
under rocks
and escape
into books
when the world
crawls a little to close.

I dream of broken hearts,
and broken skulls.
I've got neverending nightmares.
The only nights I really rest
is the nights I rest in your arms.

So floating on clouds
are not my style,
but that doesn't matter
I'll stay for a while.
And when I come down
I'm hoping you'll stick around
'cause you make me happy.

"Angel"

Angel
I don't expect you to stay
But Angel
I'm not trying to push you away.
And Angel
I don't want you to leave today.

And I know that standing on my knees
would only hurt.
So in stead I stand in front of you
begging with my eyes
Won't you stay,
won't you love me,
won't you hold me
forever.

But Angel.
Where did you leave your wings?
Angel
You were made for guarding kings!
And Angel
Still I would like you to stay here
guarding me.

Tonight I need you here with me
to keep those demons away
tonight I need you here with me
so would you stay?

(This one is older than everything I've posted before. I wrote this when I was 18, and planning/hoping to leave the boyfriend I had at that time. This might not be as good as everything else here, but I love this one, still.)

You say my flame has died,
that the fire in my eyes are gone.
I guess we all just grow up.
You say I shouldn't hide,
that I should just carry on..
I guess we all just grow up.

I may look paler to you
just because I've learned my lesson well
And you may never learn
You just secure your spot in hell

I can't stand looking at you
ruled by ignorance and arrogance
I can't stand looking at you
Making your marionettes dance

Shallow blue eyes
Foggy grey words
will you ever make up your mind?
Shallow grey words
Foggy blue eyes
I'm leaving this behind.

Im tired of being attached
to the other end of your strings..
I thought I was eartbound,
but now I've grown wings.

I used to be fond of my prison,
this golden cage,
but my life is a fairy-tale
and I'm still on the first page.

On a throne of broken dreams she sits, the queen of sadness. Her sceptre is a rotting branch, her apple is a skull. She clings to her nightmares, and hold on to death as hard as she can, because those two are the only two she can trust. She is followed by silence, people looking away,noone will talk to her, at least not today. This macabre, morbid silhouette, this crown of shattered hopes she's wearing, a chest torn open, a heart on display, that's all she is. That's all she ever was, and ever will be. She's always changing, yet she stays the same. She's a cynical dreamer, a positive doomsday's prophet.She gives you everything at first hand-shake, still you feel that she's holding back. She's a hopeless romantic, but she's also just hopeless. She's handcuffed herself to her throne, so she won't escape the pain, yet all she want is to flee.

For on a throne of broken dreams she sits...

So, now she's gone and done something stupid again:
This depressed little Columbine,
Could not keep her Harlequin.
Come, watch her screw up her life once more,
As she's done so often before.

She's not good enough alone to be seen as a friend:
This lonely little woman,
Always doing all she can.
Come, I've got tickets to tonight's show,
We've got seats in the front row.

Look at those painted eyes with tears flowing down,
It's almost as if she was real,
Almost as if she could feel.
Come, lets stare at her being broken by pain,
It's a freakshow, that woman's insane.